Ami, Finland (they/them)

“Your life is your own and you live it only once. This is for yourself. Make it matter. Make it count.”

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

I was pretty old when I realized I wasn't cis. I remember having a psychiatrist ask me how I felt about gender when I was 21 years old, and my immediate thought was "I'm probably not cis". Not what I said, though - I didn't want to have "more issues" in my life. So I denied any feelings of not being cisgender out loud, and decided to put it off.

As a kid, I was a "girl". I always describe myself as someone who was a girl but grew up not to be a woman. That happens sometimes; girls grow up into men or something else. I've been othered as a girl my entire life due to being POC and autistic, so I have no idea what normal girlhood is. Only in my later teens did I start having thoughts like wanting to try a binder and start cross-dressing as a guy.

I tried my first binder on when a friend got his top-surgery and sold his to me. I don't remember how old I was... Maybe 19 or 20. Seeing my chest so flat was mesmerizing. I loved it. I wouldn't start wearing binders regularly until 2 more years, but this is where I started to wear more masculine clothing. It was a like between gender euphoria and a feeling of having to suppress my joy of traditionally feminine looking clothes.

I admitted in a discord server that I was nonbinary, for myself and others, when I was 22 years old. It felt relieving. I didn't know what I wanted in life in terms of transition yet, but saying it to myself and to other people was a start. I came out to my (now) wife soon after, who has only supported me in my journey ever since.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

Pretty soon. I more of less transitioned socially. I had already changed my name a few years before coming out, so that was not an issue. I got my referral to the trans clinic system of our country, still 22 years old, and had my first appointment at 23 years old.

It soon became clear that the trans clinic took time. I started testosterone when I was 24, through GenderGP. I got my official diagnosis from trans clinic at the age of 26, and got my hormones through public health care soon after.

I was able to get top surgery at the age of 28. The entire process through trans clinic was a very slow process for me. I'm autistic which lengthened my process, and I got unlucky with an enbyphobic doctor which also made it longer. But for now, I have gotten mostly what I need to feel more at home in my body.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

Oh, yes. Testosterone alone has been wonderful. I was always hairy, even as a teenage girl, but I love being a hairy genderqueer guy more. I love how my body is shaped, love how it feels. I love my beard so much. I love my voice - while it could be deeper, that's just social dysphoria. I love my voice in a vacuum, without the idea of how I'm perceived by others.

I'm currently recovering from top surgery. Having to wear the compression vest still, I haven't had much time to appreciate how my chest looks and feels. But despite being early in the recovery... I look good. I look right. I put my hand on my chest and feel an immense sense of inner peace I never thought I could achieve. I am beyond happy. I can't wait to see how clothes look on my body, after I can ditch the vest.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

Never say no to experimenting with self-expression. It's okay not to fit in as a girl and it'd be okay to be something else than a girl too. Yes, adult women usually feel like women and yes, you not feeling like one does mean you're not one. That's also fine. There's no such a thing as "being too many things". We are human. We contain multitudes. Your way of being a human is just that - a way of being a human.

I don't think I would do anything differently. My journey is mine. Though long, here I finally am.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

Surround yourself with people who support you. Don't let anyone pull you back to closet or make you insecure of what you want and need to be you. Your life is your own and you live it only once. This is for yourself. Make it matter. Make it count.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.