Cassian, United States (he/they)
“Why live a life you merely tolerate when you could thrive instead?”
Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?
My journey was not linear. I first questioned my gender around 17. Mentally I thought of myself as existing outside the binary, but I didn’t come out - like I had to be SURE before telling anyone else. I had a lot of internalized transphobia, and by 19 ultimately convinced myself I was just a gender non-conforming woman, and pushed myself back in the closet. At 22 I came out as nonbinary to my (straight cis) boyfriend, who was reluctant but supportive, along with a few close friends. For a few years this was mostly great, but truthfully I was still holding myself back from fully embracing my masculinity. For a long time I felt dysphoria over the features that made me look like a woman, but it wasn’t /that/ bad compared to what other trans people experience - so I figured I could cope without pursuing medical transition. I think having a reluctant cis partner was a big factor, even unconsciously. I became depressed and repressed. Yet I was inexplicably drawn to trans masculinity and couldn’t ignore it any longer. At 26 I realized these feelings weren’t going away. I had so much self doubt and was so scared of regretting transition - but I knew I wouldn’t regret trying. Shortly after that I started testosterone!
How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?
At 17 I cut my hair short for the first time, which in retrospect was a major catalyst for my gender exploration. Back then my presentation was androgynous all over the spectrum, eventually settling to more masc-presenting in my 20s. Around 22 I started going by they/them with close friends. At 27 I started testosterone and got all the typical changes: deeper voice, more muscle mass, body and facial hair, bottom growth, fat redistribution, etc. And I’m currently in the process of getting top surgery!
Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?
Starting T is the best thing I could have done for myself. I feel more confident and euphoric in my body than I ever thought was possible. Before transitioning I was numb, but it’s like now I have this newfound lust for life. I still experience dysphoria and navigating social transition is not easy, but I’m getting closer to my most authentic self.
What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?
You know who you are deep down. It’s okay to embrace that part of yourself. Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks.
Is there anything else you'd like to share?
Why live a life you merely tolerate when you could thrive instead? If there’s something you want, a way you want to be, reach out and take it.
Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?
Yes.