Cris Cruz, United States (he/him)
“I want to go back to my young self and just hug that little person and reassure them everything's gonna be OK.”
Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?
I remember being about 4 or 5 years old and always being scolded to "[not] act like that, you're not a boy!" I was just being myself and didn't realize others saw me as a girl and so had girl-gendered expectations for me. I would say I realized I was trans when I was in middle school; I had read a book from the school library about joining the navy (I realize now that it was just propaganda, lol), and I had decided I would enlist as soon as I was old enough to be eligible. And then I saw a poster in the guidance counselor's office, with people who represented folks from all branches of the military, in their uniforms. The sailor happened to be a woman, so the uniform she wore was different from what I had seen and pictured myself in, from the book I'd read. It was then that it really truly dawned on me that I wasn't the boy I thought I was - I was actually a girl! So that's what's funny: my trans realization wasn't about realizing I was a guy... I always thought of myself as male. My trans realization was realizing that no one else saw me as a guy, they saw me as a girl!
How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?
I didn't start transitioning until I was already 23 years old. I went to college in 1995, met my first real live gay people, and thought I was a butch dyke. By 1999, I had learned the word "transgender" and identified as such. When I realized you could actually transition, I dropped out of school. I joined the bricklayer's union as an apprentice, both in anticipation of my family and friends leaving me and having to support myself, and also for the health insurance so I could transition. I started by seeing a therapist in 2000, and by 2001 I was referred for testosterone. I had top surgery in 2004, and a hysto in 2017. I also legally changed my name and documents in 2002.
Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?
Of course!
What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?
I would tell my younger self that there's nothing wrong with you, you're not crazy or weird, it's OK to feel the way you do and that I see you for who you are. And that you can grow up to be the guy that you are.
Is there anything else you'd like to share?
I completed by bricklayer's apprenticeship and became a journeyman bricklayer. I transitioned during that time, "on the scaffold," before transitioning was widely known or accepted. My trade took me to Albuquerque, NM, and I'm now in my 15th year as a firefighter and paramedic with Albuquerque Fire Rescue. I've also been active in the firefighters' union for over a decade. I'm married to a queer cis woman and we have a young daughter and son. I'm so grateful for my family (both of birth, who now accept me, and the family I'm raising) and for my life. I don't know how I got so lucky, but I try not to ever take it for granted. To the prior question, I want to go back to my young self and just hug that little person and reassure them everything's gonna be OK.
Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?
Yes.