Ezra, United States (they/them)
“The only person at the end of the day that will be unconditionally there for you is yourself.”
Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?
Saying out loud to a close friend that I hated my chest at age 25. For the longest time, I just suppressed perceiving my body because I had been complimented for being so "well endowed". I never dated anyone during high school and college because I feared how a man would perceive me especially because I considered myself gay. The internalized transphobia made it really difficult for me to consider that I could take steps to align my outward appearance with my internal identity.
How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?
About 7 months after that conversation (age 25) I started therapy 4 months later (age 26) I had a consult for top surgery. And I consider myself extremely fortunate that only 2 and a half months later I had top surgery [a bilateral mastectomy without nipple grafts]. My recovery affirmed for me that this was undoubtedly the right choice and it freed me from a lot of that doubt and internalized transphobia. Just before turning 27, I got my first "boy" hair cut, and then 5 months later (age 27) I started T-gel.
Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?
Undoubtedly. My mind was so weighed down by my battle between self and how the world perceived me (which was as an attractive woman... and that feel completely wrong). My journey is far from over, but the last 2 years has been a collection of many positive changes for myself and affirming my identity.
What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?
I would not put pressure on myself to have it all figured out. That was my outlook when I started this process at age 25, and it is the advice I'd give to anyone else. Expectations when it comes to gender or sexual identity regarding yourself will lead to disappointment. Allow yourself the freedom to try things out, respond to the things that work and feed into them, and if something doesn't work or feel right don't beat yourself up. You tried something new and learned from the experience. The only person at the end of the day that will be unconditionally there for you is yourself so advocate for your needs - be safe, be smart and be you.
Is there anything else you'd like to share?
A fun anecdote is that at my top surgery consult when they asked me about my gender identity I had a response ready, but in that moment the question was asked I just blurted out, "gender non-conforming". At two years into this journey, I have to come to appreciate how true and honest that statement was. Not all trans masc or transmen are working towards being perceived within the binary. And I am giving myself the space that one day I may decide a different label may fit my perception of myself better, but there's no race and there shouldn't be the expectation once you get a surgery or start HRT that you have to erase or abandon your nonbinary identity to become someone you aren't.
Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?
Yes.