London, Canada (he/him)
“Follow the happiness. Trust the euphoria.“
Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?
I knew something was wrong in fits and starts my whole life. Puberty made me start dissociating from my body. In high school, I became obsessed with crossplay. In college I had a pregnancy scare that sent me spiraling, even long after seeing the negative test. In my mid-twenties I identified as nonbinary, even though that wasn't quite right either. Then finally, when I was 27, I remember looking in the bathroom mirror and being unable to recognize myself. I felt like I was literally looking at someone else - a child. Then it hit me: I was looking at someone who seemed prepubescent because they hadn't gone through the right puberty yet. Growing old as a woman was no longer an option. I needed to transition.
How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?
I was still living at home for the next year, so I did little things. I started dressing more masculine, I cut my hair a bit shorter. I stopped shaving and started binding. But I was not comfortable socially transitioning until I was on hormones and began to pass. It wasn't until I was 31 that I could start HRT, and I was 34 when I got top. I'm now on the waitlist for phallo, which is something I could not have imagined for myself when I started.
Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?
Transitioning has completely changed my life. I barely remember the dissociative haze of my twenties, and I barely remember my life as a woman now. Many of my mental health issues are long gone - my anxiety and depression evaporated as soon as I started passing. I can imagine getting old now, and I love my masculinized body, so I actually want to take care of it and enjoy it for as long as I can. I make friends and connect with dates much easier now. I can think about my career. I can plan for the future. I feel like I'm actually living life now.
What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?
You have to do this as soon as you can. It will be terrifying, you will feel like a freak and it will feel like no one will understand. But your family loves and supports you more than you know, and it will be the best decision you ever make in your life because it'll be the decision that actually GIVES you a life. You have to do this. You can do this. (Also, you like girls.)
Is there anything else you'd like to share?
Even if you can't imagine yourself as a man from the very beginning of transition, ever if you're not sure of what steps you want to take, what pronouns to use... trust that gut feeling that says "but what if I could be happier?" Did you start on a low-dose gel and are afraid of wanting more? "But what if I could be happier?" Don't know if you hate your chest enough to warrant top surgery? "But what if I could be happier?" Terrified of phallo but know you have bottom dysphoria? "But what if you could be happier?" Follow the happiness. Trust the euphoria.
Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?
Yes.