Magpie, United States (they/them)

“I feel in control of my gender now, rather than being at the mercy of other people's interpretations of me and my body.”

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

I was 21 years old. Before that, any gender-nonconforming feelings or behavior had a reasonable explanation. Wanted to wear my brother's hand-me downs and be just like them? I was just admiring my older siblings. I felt alienated from things that girls liked? I was just going through a "not-like-other-girls" phase. I imagined what it would be like to dress like a guy and pass? I was just trying to imagine a world where me and my straight-girl crush could be together? I actually dressed like a boy, had a masculine persona and went out with my friends like this? Uh... maybe I was a drag king?

But when I was 21, and newly in grad school, I looked at a photo from my cousin's wedding and even though I was there when the photo was taken, and I knew the dress I had been wearing, my brain just could not recognize the person in the photo as myself. It had given up. 404, identity not found. After that I was thrown into a whirlwind of confusion and questioning until I got in touch with my in-person trans community and found a way of being that fit me: nonbinary.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

I changed how I dressed and how I did my hair before I realized I was trans. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what. I did a full social transition, changing my pronouns, getting chest binders, coming out to friends and my girlfriend immediately. Finding a name took 7 years. Telling my parents took 3. Eventually I got top surgery 8 years after I realized I was trans, and I got a legal name change the year after that.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

Absolutely. I feel in control of my gender now, rather than being at the mercy of other people's interpretations of me and my body.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

I don't have any regrets. The time I took figuring things out was worthwhile. I've heard that they human mind craves solid answers, and the longer we can avoid this instinct, the longer our mind has to work on the problem instead of jumping to the safest conclusion. Learning to be okay with uncertainty within myself was the hardest part of my transition, and I wouldn't have changed it.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

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Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.