Xiao Di, Switzerland (he/him)

“Change to a better time will come.“

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

I was 15. I was in Paris for the first time and I realized that I was drawn to homoeroticism, observing queer men. That very strong feeling of wanting to be in their skin, that was how I realized, that I have ignored my wrong body for years - in my strong believe that only my mind is important, not my body...

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

I came out to my family and friends, called myself after the secret name that I had since I was 9 years old. I started doing calisthenics (which I passionately do since) to gain muscles, and then I had to wait for almost two years to start with testosterone. Half a year after my start, I could do top surgery. The patience that I had to endure in those two very difficult and painful years were worth it.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

Yes, absolutely. It changed my character from a very lost, unstable, depressed and strongly pessimistic person into the very opposite. It changed my body into one I could not ever dream of. Before, doing one step out of my house, was a huge step. Before, to wake up and only wanting to sleep again to then maybe not feel my body was normal. Today, I look into the mirror, and I see myself, today I feel myself. This is impossible to tell in words...

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

I would say to my younger self: do not forget, my dear, that change is ubiquitous in existence. Change to a better time will come, and you are doing these changes yourself. You are able to grow, just like a tree, but even faster. That is what we all are designed for: to endure and eventually find our way. I think, if I could go back, I would not take the advise of elder people that very seriously. And I do not ignore my feelings anymore.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

I want to tell you dear readers a short anecdote of my childhood. When I was about 8 years old, I remember staring into the mirror. I asked myself, is this normal to never see myself in the mirror? I thought then: well, it must be. It never was different. And now, about three years ago, looking into the mirror and truly seeing myself for the first time was almost shocking: "Oh, its me! I just thought there is a handsome stranger behind me!" laughing... Now, I am used to see myself. And it is wonderful.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.