Micah, Germany (it/its)

“It is okay to be complex, it's okay to feel confusing, that doesn't mean you are wrong.“

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

I recognized my feelings in the term "genderfluid" when I was 17. I also recognized that I might be feeling dysphoria about my chest.

This is not an easy question, however, because for me, acknowledging and accepting my nonbinary and trans identity was interrupted by a time of doubt, denial and internalized transphobia that lasted several years until I was 26.

At 26, I dug those neglected feelings back up, questioned AGAIN and accepted my complicated self then, after meeting and recognizing myself in several nb and trans people.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

At 17, I changed my name and pronouns (unofficially). In the denial phase, I kept my chosen name but went back to assigned-gender-pronouns.

After gaining distance from transphobic environments at ca. 25, I tried out introducing myself and requesting no pronouns / name-as-pronoun. This later turned into name-pronoun/it.

After receiving a lucky opportunity (a transmasc aquaintance giving away T-gel), I decided I wanted to try HRT and worked towards starting T (legally) and managed to do so in December '24. In a similar fashion, after being encouraged by a friend, I embraced again my long denied wish of getting top surgery and achieved that (with the help of many people supporting my fundraiser) in October '25.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

Immensely.

I keep describing this with terms like "leap of faith". I would not have expected this much confidence, euphoria and sense of normalcy from these things. I gained so much by allowing myself to want it and trying it out.

Casual glances at my body and in the mirror have become sources of joy - previously hard to achieve, fake-feeling or dissociative. I actually inhabit my body now instead of wearing it. I feel like I belong in this life. And however morbid this may sound: I know that when I die, I can die with pride.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

I would tell them: Try to meet and speak to nonbinary trans people.

It is okay to be complex, it's okay to feel confusing, that doesn't mean you are wrong.

You don't have to live a life just tolerating yourself.

Transition is not shameful.

It is okay to want things and trying them out can lead you a long way.

I regret my years of denial (but I know why they happened). If I could have known how much joy transition would give me, I might have pursued it sooner.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

Nonbinary dysphoria has mostly felt very elusive and vague for me. More like dissociation and wearing a nice, but unable to take off costume and less like sadness, disgust or rage.

This, and a lack of representation, community as well as general societal acceptance, has made it harder for me to recognize my need for and desire to transition.

Sometimes things are right because they just feel *better* than what was before. You don't have to suffer "enough" to deserve gender affirmation. You don't have to fit the binary mold. Seek and build community.

The only constant is change. There is still time.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.