Remi, Netherlands (he/him)
“The feeling of recognising yourself in the mirror is insane.”
Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?
Kind of throughout my life I always felt 'It would be a better fit if I am a boy.' Didn't really think much of it, since I wasn't, but I still could behave like me. The realisation that I might be transgender came forth out of my place in an intimate relationship and becoming a parent. I believe these are moments who are really gender defined and I didn't feel comfortable in these roles. This happened when I was about 32 years old and it took like a year to fully come to the realisation.
How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?
Pretty soon I cut my hair. I always kept longer hair even though I was not really fond of it. Hormones and chest surgery came a year later. Like in most places there is some waiting time before you will be able to come in contact with the professional aid. I might have started sooner if I didn't have to wait. On the other hand I believe that some waiting time is not necessarily bad. It gives you room to experiment with less definite things, like cutting your hair, clothing, the tone of your voice, presenting more masculine in general. This will lead you to a more knowledgeable decision, although I believe you can never fully grasp what something will be like before you live the experience.
Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?
Oh yeah! I've experienced a sense of comfortability in my own body which I didn't even believe to be possible. The urge to really take care of myself arose. The feeling of recognising yourself in the mirror is insane. I'm like, is this how people normally feel about their selves? I have always experienced depersonalisation and disconnect with my body and this got way better, even only after realising I am trans.
What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?
I think I would say 'no matter what path you take, you will grow up to be yourself'. For me transitioning later in life has been the best choice. I don't believe I was emotionally ready when younger. I've lived my life, fought my demons and could start transitioning from a pretty fine place. This gave me strength and security in the decisions to make. Also I feel like I know how life as a woman is and that, that is not for me. I won't have the 'what if' doubt because I have already lived it. When I think back at my younger self I see me struggle not knowing what is actually the cause and I wish I could tell myself without really changing the timeline.
Is there anything else you'd like to share?
I love writing about and sharing my experience. Mostly from a positive place. To let people in on this experience I started a blog. It is meant for transgender people to read and maybe compare the experience, but also for people who might not know much about being transgender. I try to write about these main questions people always ask and they feel silly about. I believe if everybody is wondering these things, there might be something to it. Why not explain it. Also I like to keep it very personal and therefor also share 'personal data' related to transitioning. You can find the blog here: www.neverbeenbetter.blog
Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?
Yes.