Scout, United States (he/him)
“Be less afraid of what other people think, because you are the only one who has to live with your choices.“
Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?
I think I knew on some level from a very young age that I wasn't being a girl the right way. It was the driving factor behind my interest in hyperfeminine things like ballet, fashion, the color pink. I wasn't being authentic, but overcorrecting for my perceived failure to girl correctly. When I was thirteen or fourteen, I saw a tutorial online for binding using a tank top and spent a few nights working on my boy drag. I remember being disappointed in how uninspiring my results were. Not only did I not look much like a boy, but being more masculine wasn't giving me the spark of relief I'd hoped for. Throughout high school I described myself as 'probably nonbinary' but didn't bother trying to make anyone see me as anything but a girl. Then during the pandemic, when I was 19 or 20, the reality set in that unless something changed, I would be spending my whole life as a woman. It made me sick. I literally spent weeks in bed because of the overwhelming dysphoria, wishing I could cut off my hips and breasts. That was when I knew I wasn't female, but I considered myself 'cis nonbinary' or non-transitioning nonbinary for another year; it took buying my first binder and walking my college campus in 'boy mode' for me to finally admit to myself that I wanted to transition.
How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?
I had already bought a binder and started wearing it semi-regularly by the time I thought of myself as trans. I started testosterone about ten months later. It would have been earlier if my family had been supportive. I still haven't had top surgery because of the prohibitive expense, but it's a goal of mine to do so eventually.
Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?
Much more so. I fit in so much more easily as a man than when I'm trying to figure out womanhood. I can see myself actually becoming a husband, a dad, etc when the thought of being a mom or a wife made me ill and resentful. I'm no longer hyper-aware of my appearance and obsessed with performing my gender correctly. Ironically, I'm much more comfortable expressing femininity now that I have a male body than I ever was before. I actually love myself now and want the best for myself and my confidence is growing every day. It's a huge change from spending every day wanting to get my life over with.
What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?
Be less afraid of what other people think, because you are the only one who has to live with your choices. And most of the adults you are trying to impress and live up to are total messes that don't deserve your admiration. Just because someone is giving advice doesn't mean they're qualified to.The only thing I would do differently in life is to listen to myself more and care less about what others have to say. Especially my parents, who did not in fact want the best for me, and it took me way too long to realize that. But even if they had, the best of intentions don't matter when they're trying to turn you into an ideal in their mind. You deserve self-determination.
Is there anything else you'd like to share?
I understand why we say being trans is not a choice, and of course dysphoria is not a choice, but I do think I made a choice to come out and to transition. The reason I underscore this point is because it was, and remains, the hardest choice I've ever made. I'm not one of those people who needed to transition. My dysphoria was not crippling and I enjoy femininity; I could have survived as a woman, and a hundred years ago I would have. I made a choice. I chose agency, and self-expression, and exploration, and joy, and I chose to let the pieces fall where they may in regards to my family, my social life, even my future. I want credit for my courage, so it can contextualize why I say it's worth it to transition. I made a choice and I sacrificed for it and I would never, ever, ever go back in time to take the other option.
Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?
Yes.